Monthly Archives: July 2014

Fight-to-Fight Response

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TODAY HAS BEEN somewhat troublesome, not because of anxiety, but because of a stomach sickness—IBS is at the core of the problem. I planned to be in bed early last night, resting my old bones and brain is what I wanted to do, but my body, of course, had other ideas. There I was lying in bed, feeling frustrated, tired, and my brain alert and wide awake. Beyond frustrating.
     As the day went on, I was feeling okay, the sickness was annoying me though, but I kept going and tried putting it to the back of my mind. I was utterly shattered, my didn’t shut down until 3:30AM. I ended up wishing for my body to reboot, or even better, to have a complete firmware upgrade. If you are a computer geek, you will totally get that joke, a little play on words using computer jargon—I won’t mention the floppy disk joke, or putting more ram in.
     So, getting back to the point of this blog. I have been doing a lot of research on the “fight-to-fight” system of the human body. It appears that I am simply suffering from some kind of fear response, whether that is anxiety or some kind of phobia. I am more inclined to say that my problems are to do with a social phobia, anyone I meet or see, I go to pieces and my nerves go through the roof. But, even with that in mind, these problems have only been around since I was diagnosed with bad IBS—which has been proven to increase anxiety, and stimulate your vagus nerve.
     Now, with this all in mind, I think the way forward for me is to increase my meditation and yoga. This has been proven to aid anxiety disorders, and many other problems. I have nothing to lose and it’s worth a try.
     Until this passes, I won’t be able to do much that I want, but I will get there in the end. There’s always light at the end of the tunnel.

Isolated Anxiety

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I NEEDED TO WRITE, doing nothing is sending me crazy, and causing prolonged health issues. Being this isolated has caused my depression to crop up in waves of good and bad. I’m not a stranger to all this depression lark, but this episode seems to be dragging on and causing other issues. Dizziness and heart palpitations are two of the symptoms, but those could be caused by migraines, or even anxiety and panic attacks.
     Every day seems to be the same no matter how much I try to change things. I wake up around the same time, wake up feeling the same way as the day before, and I have my meals at the same times as the day before. I have tried changing this around, but nothing seems to work, and sometimes it makes me feel worse. Admittedly, this all could be anxiety, I have no idea, obviously because I haven’t had it like this before.
     As some of you may know I take a beta blocker to help slow down my heart rate when I am feeling anxious. Over the last few days I have tried not to take it, the reason for doing this is simple, I want my life back and I want to feel normal again. At the moment I am stuck in this flat, not because I am being held captive by anyone, but because I can’t go out long before I start to feel faint, or lightheaded. Don’t get me wrong, there are many people worse off than me, and maybe this is coming off a bit selfish, but I want my life back to how it was.
     I am hoping that these migraine strips start to work, I really need to get my life back on track. If I was truly honest, to you, or even myself, I know I’m not happy, and maybe it’s the isolation, or the depression causing it. The only happiness I seem to get recently is, by purchasing canvas prints of New York from Graham & Brown—take a look, you won’t be disappointed. I love a lot of what they are selling and I have a long list of items that I would like to order.
     Anyhow, there’s my ramblings, let’s hope things get better because life cannot carry on like this, and with my own strength I will make sure it doesn’t.

Selfie Sunday

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Seeing as I can’t sleep due to pains, I decided to post my picture just after midnight on Sunday—including Farley Bear who is 25 years old.

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Tuesday Poet

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It Takes Forever in These Boots.

Crossing the country,
Walking the fields,
Up and over the steep hills,
It takes forever in these boots,

I can’t scoot along,
I can’t even grab a cab,
Damning frustration boils,
It takes forever in these boots,

Exercise is power,
Strength is key,
Beating the life from me,
It takes forever in these boots,

Many choices before I left home,
Picking to walk was wrong,
Bring me a cab and I am done,
It takes forever in these boots.

Admission Anxiety

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I HAVE NOTICED a recurring symptom to my anxiety disorder, or should I say symptoms. The first one is prickly heat, this happens whenever I get hot or worked up, and this could be at any time. Even, though, I have noticed it more after meals, especially hot meals. Secondly, I have noticed a slight on the edge feeling before and after dinner. This makes my heart speed up to rapid levels and causes dizziness. Lastly, an edgy feeling while I am out, this is usually occupied by intense sweating and dizziness.
     This is a mixture of problems, and obviously it won’t be cured overnight. I forgot to mention. I also get worked up and have panic attacks when I am stressed out by any situation—the last blog I wrote is a good example.
     So, with that in mind, I am trying hard to think of ways to combat this disorder. I am taking many medications to calm me down, trying to exercise and lift weights when I can, and cutting down on any caffeine intake. I must lookup more methods to help me, they might help, and they might not, but it’s all worth a try at least.
     Anyhow, there’s my admission to anxiety troubles I am facing, let’s hope there will be a way forward because I can’t keep living like this, it’s very unhealthy.

Singling It!

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STRESS AND MORE stress, and that’s putting it nicely. On Friday I was bombarded with texts, calls, and emails from people whom have started to get annoyed with me because I haven’t been around much due to the anxiety disorder that is plaguing me every day.
     The attitude from some of them was astonishing, apparently “I can just get over it,” and I can stop the childish behaviour when I want. Seems silly, an anxiety disorder can hit anyone for any reason, no matter what age you are. I can’t help, but think people just want things to go their way no matter what happens to me, it’s all about them. This isn’t aimed at just one person, believe me, after the incident Friday, my iPhone block list has gone from four to thirty. As you can see that is a huge jump.
     So, let’s discuss Friday. Thanks to all the stress, I am now single, and I had such a serve panic attack that shot my heart up to 162 beats per minute—dangerously high, and could have caused unthinkable things. I know I let things get to me, but that’s because I have a soul and I care too much, and I take things to heart. Does that make me a bad person? Of course it doesn’t, it just means people play on my vulnerability to get what they want, and cause me unneeded stress to get their own way.
     As I write this, I am away with clouds and high as a kite because of my medication. These medications are to help me calm down and to make me less anxious. Even though I don’t condone the getting high method, but if you need it to help you, then medically I don’t see any harm in it. And, I need to add, my medication is legal, and it’s prescribed to keep me calm, and to control the pain I deal with on a daily basis due to my cerebral palsy.
     Anyhow, as you can tell, I’ve had a bad few days, but what does it matter? Not many people really care, and I know those twenty or more people couldn’t care what they have caused. But, onwards and upwards as they say. I will try to blog when I can, but it might be on a limited schedule.
     Thanks to everyone whose supported me, and personal thanks go out to my close friends whom have stuck by me even in my darkest hour.
     Stay blessed, and stay well.
     Marc.

Younger Self Letter

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Dear Marc,

What lies ahead of you will soon unleash your creativity, maybe sooner than you think, but it’s all good because you will become an inspiration to thousands of people. Despite the way you feel now as a young person, never knowing what the future holds, but believe me your future is bright, and it contains lots of success.
There will be many obstacles to overcome. An eating disorder will stay with you for ten years, but you make it through, and at the end people look up to you because you became stronger. When you go through this, you will think there’s no end to the vicious circle, but with a large amount of support, you kill the eating disorder troubles, and then regain control by putting on a decent amount of weight.
At the moment many people think you are thick and bullies will prey on that until you are 16 years old, it’s only temporary, and years may seem a long time. Don’t think about that, stay on the path of teaching yourself, there are many industries and skills waiting for you, and you can’t give up. Let the bullies and people do what they want, your isolation will help towards your skills, and it will be the master plan to your whole life. This will allow you to teach yourself everything you desire, and with pure determination it becomes more than just a dream.
So, forward you go, life may have started rocky, but it gets better. Don’t let fear become your decider, make it fear you, for you have the key, and you are the guard. Never let anyone storm your castle to take over, this is the only chance you will get, and the last thing you need is for someone to take over.
Arise king, the world is waiting, touch the hearts of who you can, and before you know it everyone will kneel before you to worship at your feel.

From Marc,
Your older self at 25 years of age.

Subconscious Book Reviews

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HAVE YOU EVER bought a book, and then decided to take a look at the reviews even before turning a page of the book? This is something you shouldn’t do, even though reviews are helpful and they can be an ultimate decider for some readers, but you must make up your own mind, and give a book a chance.
     Say you brought a book, and then you looked on popular review web pages to find that the average rating is low. Subconsciously, you will be thinking that the book is a load of rubbish, and chances are you wont even finish that book or even get into it because your mind is set on what the reviews have said. Unfortunately, we are creatures of habit these days, reviews take over our thought process and makes the decisions for us, and yes, these can be helpful, but other times they aren’t.
     You need to disconnect yourself from the review process, take no notice of those stars, whether they are high or low, always make up your own mind, remember most books have a free sample which you can download or where you can view them online, and hopefully that will help you instead.
     I wont deny that I have let reviews take over my thought process in the past about a book, but I have learned overtime to read it before dismissing it. I know from experience that dismissing a book forces you not to learn something new, it could be very inspirational, and you’re refusing to take notice because of a review. Never put a book down until you have read some of it, once you give it a chance, I can assure you that it will look a lot different from those reviews.

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Tuesday Poet

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Who knew Anxiety?

Anxiety breaks and dampens the soul,
Shaking the nerves with pure vibration,
Controlling my life day and night,
Who knew it could take over me?

Lying on the bed with my heart beating fast,
Chest beating like a drum,
Ribs echoing loudly with the beat,
Who knew it could take over me?

Breath becoming short and muffled,
Cheeks are rosy and hot like a grill,
Chest tight and crushing,
Who knew it could take over me?

Coursing powers start to release,
Chest loosens like an elastic band,
Breath coming back slowly,
Who knew it could take over me?

I sigh with relief and feel the release,
Vibrations gone and I am calm,
Fresh air fill the lungs to the max,
Anxiety is gone, it was just an attack.

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