Tag Archives: eating disorder

I tried, and choked!

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Well, this blog was meant to be written yesterday, but due to some events that happened I was unable to bring myself to write anything. I was out with K yesterday, we were going to see a film at the cinema and we were also going to have a meal together (which went down the pain, I will explain later).

Anyhow, the day started out sunny, and it also started out with a well-deserved Costa Coffee. I hadn’t had a Costa Coffee for a few weeks, so I think it was well deserved, and on a serious note, I think I was getting withdrawal symptoms (no joke, I need that boost from time-to-time). I didn’t get two drinks this time instead, I only brought one hot chocolate, but it was a large so it was like two drinks, but in one cup.

I had some extra time to kill because I was waiting for K to arrive. So, with that said, I headed over to the local Asda store to pick up a nasal inhaler because I could feel my sinuses were blocking up and I didn’t want it to mess up our day together. So, anyway, back to the Asda store. When I was browsing the items I noticed that Maltesers were on offer, these are one of things I know K enjoys, so I thought why not, she will enjoy them.

So, with those in hand, I headed over to the railway station to wait for K to arrive. After an hour of waiting, K turned up and we headed towards the bus station to get a bus to the cinema. The buses seemed to be all over the place, both myself and K were getting confused over the timetable, it didn’t help that the map application decided to tell us the wrong information. Anyway, after all the confusion, we were finally on the right bus and we were heading towards the cinema. During our bus ride both myself and K were talking about all different things, which was great because I always love our chats.

After a short trip, we were finally off the bus and heading towards the cinema. The day was certainly getting hot at this point, stupidly I was wearing my black coat which made me feel much hotter. I know, such a stupid idea wearing black in warm weather. So, anyway, we were standing in the cinema trying to decide what movie to watch, I left this choice down to K because I didn’t know what movies were out (she knows more than me). This time round, we didn’t have one of our funny arguments because I said you can choose, I don’t mind what we watch. In the end K decided on a film called Identity Theft, which I must admit, it was an awesome film.

So, we had an hour to kill before the movie started, which was good timing because I was in need of a drink and something to eat. We headed over to McDonalds to grab something quick, I only had a McFlurry and a cup of tea which was nice. I didn’t want to have too much because I knew we were going out for a meal after the film. While were eating, I remembered that I brought a signed copy of my book for K, she seemed very pleased with the book, which was the most important thing. I did also leave her a personal message in the book for her, this is what I do for all my signings because it helps the reader feel more connected with the author, but when it’s for-close friends like K, I always leave a message that says how much they mean to me, I know my friends are there for me, but I always like to say how much they Mean to me.

Skipping ahead to after the movie. As I mentioned before, the movie was awesome, but for some reason I can’t remember most of it, maybe I am in still in shock after what happened yesterday. When we were having our meal, I started to choke badly on the medicine and tea I had, as I was choking I was struggling to breathe and I started to have a major panic. I haven’t choked like this for many years, well I don’t think have throughout the whole time I have had my eating disorder which must be around ten years. So, as I was sitting there choking, I didn’t know what to do, K quickly jumped up to give me some help, she gradually rubbed my back to help, and out of nowhere I coughed up all my drink, I also ended up spitting most of the noodles out also, which wasn’t something I wanted K to see because it was disgusting, but it couldn’t be helped, I was choking to death after all. Anyway, after that, I went into a fit of panic, I ended up drinking two pots of tea in a short space of time because I felt like I was still choking. I kept on asking K, do I look okay? She was constantly reassuring me that I was fine, but I am guessing the panic took over me.

I want to personally thank K for saving my life yesterday, I know I probably scared her, but I honestly didn’t mean too. I just wanted to have a nice meal with her because I treasure our friendship, and she has also been one person that has helped me through some of my hard times in recent weeks. So, K, from the bottom of my heart I do thank you, I won’t forget this ever and I will always be there if you need me too. I also hope I didn’t scare you too much.

After this terrifying moment, we decided to head back because I was still having a panic attack. We were supposed to get a bus, but in the end we decided to walk because the bus would take ages to arrive. I nearly got us lost while walking back because the map application I used on my phone was playing up and I wasn’t in the mood, in the end I decided to call a taxi, it was much easier and it saved us a bit of time. When we arrived into the town, we went across to see if Costa Coffee was open, but on this occasion it wasn’t because they closed before we arrived in town.

So, in the end, we decided that it was time to head home. I never like saying goodbyes, and after what happened I felt like I messed up the day completely. When K went home her train, I waited in the station for my time to arrive. As I was waiting, I sat on a bench in tears because I felt like I messed everything up, including our friendship, I know this might sound stupid, but it did shock me in that way, and even when I think about it now, I still think I have messed up our friendship. Anyhow, with that said, even though this did happen, I still enjoyed our day together.

I think it’s going to take sometime to get over this, and this is why I have decided to stop writing & blogging until the start of June. This means that the spring series book comes to end today and I will be back at the start of June writing the new series. I am sorry if this has disappointed anyone, but due to the circumstances surrounding my eating disorder, I don’t want it to go back to how it was because I was doing really well. So, until June, catch you soon!

MilkyStones, and Overwhelmed

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I didn’t know how start today’s blog, it has been the same old day really. The day started out with a walk to the post office to send off my iPhone 4S, such a heartbreaking moment, that iPhone has been a lifeline to me over the years, how sad does that sound? I had no choice, but to get rid of it, it was way out of its warranty and I wasn’t going to risk it breaking down on me, and it also had no insurance which made it more risky.

When I arrived at the post office, there was the obvious two mile queue with people waiting. I always hate it when it is like this because you end up standing there for ages, and by the time you get to the front of the queue you forget what you were there for!
After thirty minutes had passed, I was finally at the front of the queue. While the woman was processing my package, she noticed that the postage had to be reduced by 50% because I had a prepaid packet, this meant the company I was sending it to had contracts in place with the royal mail that reduced the costs for the consumers who send packages to them. So, instead of me paying £6 in postage, I ended up only paying £3, you can’t turn your nose up at that!

After I finished at the Post Office, I needed to pick up some shopping from Tesco, lucky for they are both in the same building, as you walk out of one, you are in they other.
I only needed to get some yogurts, somehow I ran out, I don’t know how it happened, well okay, I do, but I have been really hungry lately. As I reached the yogurts, I noticed that they didn’t have any of the usual ones I buy, which wasn’t good because I had to buy different ones, and the only smooth yogurts they had were Milky Bar. These were no good to me because they contain a high fat content, the last time I had loads of these, I ended up in hospital with gallstones, and believe me, it isn’t a walk in the park because it is like going through childbirth for weeks.

So, with that said, I had no choice, but to buy these yogurts, it will only be until tomorrow, and I am sure it will be okay (wasn’t I wrong).
Anyhow, with shopping in hand, all I needed to do was to walk home. I normally love these short walk, but I hate them when my ankle and knees ache, it always feels like someone is sticking needles in me or kicking me really hard.
After a short, but lengthy time elapsed walk, I was finally home. I could finally stick my feet up, and have something to eat.

As I mentioned earlier, I brought some Milky Bar yogurts. After I ate four of the yogurts, it started to give me pain across my side and gallbladder. I honestly regret buying these yogurts because this happens every time and I get massive spasms through abdomen. These symptoms are normal for someone with a gallbladder that cannot process high volumes of fat, or a gallbladder that contains gallstones. Over the years I have had many issues with my gallbladder, and I remember one occasion when I was hospitalized because it made me paralyzed. Some people may disbelieve that, but you won’t know how it feels until you go through the same problem.
Anyway, to be brief, I am regretting eating those yogurts. They have caused me many pains all day, and yes I know it was self-inflicted, but I had no other choice, if you want to blame anyone, then blame Tesco for not stocking my usual wildlife yogurts … Okay, okay, I can’t blame Tesco, to be honest I wasn’t thinking straight, if I took more time to think it over, I would have found a more suitable solution.

So, putting the pain aside, I have had a surprising day. While I was doing a web search on my book, I found that my books were now listed on a big UK retailers digital download store, this was a massive surprise to me because I didn’t think they were good enough to be listed on well-known retailer websites, maybe they will surprise me more by stocking the paperback editions of my books, who knows?

The other news I wanted to talk about, was how much I am honored by the outstanding responses I have received since I made my eating disorder story public in UK national media. I was meant to mention this some time ago, but after the story went public, I was inundated with positive messages of support, it blew me away because I didn’t think anyone would care about the story. Well, anyway, to be brief. The story has gone a long way, not only for me, but for suffers and those who have lost loved ones through the disorder. I receive many messages a day, either offering support or from suffers wanting advice, and that is from both genders of many ages. I have even had messages from families who have lost loved ones, and they offer nothing, but support. I have full respect for each person that messages me, and no matter how bad I feel, I still go out of my way to give them a personal reply.
So, I want to thank each person who has contacted me over the last year, it has been a lifeline to me over the last year, and I hope I will carry on inspiring each person that messages me.

Anyhow, on to the rest of my day. I can certainly say after today’s news, it has left me feeling overwhelmed, it may seem weird, but this keeps me thinking positive because I am helping the world in my own “little way.”

So, on that good note, it is time for me to sign off. I hope you all have a wonderful day, and may your dreams be long & peaceful.

Until tomorrow,

Marc.

My Story Goals

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Today has certainly been a mixed bag of tricks, energy has started to creep back up and I have finally put more thought into doing an updated story about my eating disorder.

If you didn’t know, I had my eating disorder story published last year, it had some success, and it certainly helped me slowly recover. I will be the first to admit that I haven’t fully recovered from my eating disorder, but I have to look at the positives, during this year I have published four books and gained much respect from people that were inspired by my courage to carry on and to fight.
The reason for publishing my story was to highlight my struggles and to help other people see that an eating disorder isn’t isolated to females.

When it comes to doing an updated story, I want to highlight that I still struggle, but I have also progressed in my life. As I said before, I have published four books, it has given me a new focus in my life. My weight has gone up by two stone, I am now four pounds away from nine stone, which is a huge achievement for me.
The response to my story was outstanding, so many people were leaving me good luck messages and positive words to inspire me through my struggles, of course there were a few negative comments, but that didn’t phase me because I know that you will get bad comments no matter what it is.
I was surprised by some of the positive comments because many people said they wanted to give me a hug, which was really nice to see that there are nice people out there.
Anyhow, I hope that an updated story will come to light soon, but I will have to wait and see what happens, I can’t expect miracles over night.

So, moving on to the rest of my day. As I said at the start it has been a mixed bag of tricks, the reason for using this term is simply because it has been a mix of emotions. Some of the things that happened I won’t mention because the stuff that has happened isn’t worth mentioning, after all I won’t be giving people the satisfaction of being named when they are complete idiots, and yes I don’t care if I called that person an idiot because that what he is! I am fed up of a certain person causing trouble for my family, when it comes to my mother & father I will defend them to the hill because I have utter respect for them, and I don’t care if they are right or wrong, they are my parents, so tough poo-poo!
Anyway, enough of the rant, it isn’t worth my valuable time, we all need to focus on here and now, rather than the past and people who bring you down.

Skipping ahead to the evening. Mum & Dad went out this evening to darts, which meant we have the house to ourselves and we could throw a wild party, scratch that idea, if we did I think mum would kill us, or hang us from the nearest lamp post, and no, I am not kidding!
So, with the house free and parents out the way, it was time to jam on the guitar and relax. I made Laura laugh tonight, she has been nagging me for a while to play twinkle, twinkle little star on the guitar, every time I refused to play it she would claim I couldn’t play it, so I thought screw it, I played it without looking at the chord sheet to refresh my mind. I said to her are you happy now? She replied well you didn’t have to play it. I thought, what? You have been nagging me for months and that’s all I get? Damn, she is hard to please sometimes. I must teach her how to play the guitar sometime because she has always wanted to learn and I have loads of time to give her to help.

The rest of the evening was spent singing along to music on my iPad, and don’t deny it Laura, you was singing!
So, on that music note, it is time for me to sign off, but before I do, I will leave you with this joke, and this time round it was a joke I made up.

Tesco buys restaurant chain Giraffe, they’re really sticking their neck out now!
Until tomorrow,

Marc.

Ups, Downs, and Bullying

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Well, March is here and it is back to blogging for me. If you have followed my blogs you will know that I took a few days off, this was to give myself a break from writing and to have a rest from the usual daily grind.

The rest did me the world of good, well, apart from my blood pressure dropping and getting myself depressed, other than that it went fine. I spent most of my days talking to K, I met her a few days ago and we just hit it off from there. I was surprised I met someone that was so caring, after all the years of rejection and hate, I had finally found someone who accepted me for who I am.
I always find it hard to meet new people, for some reason after I tell them about my disability they just change completely, not replying to messages and just stop talking to you. When it comes to my disability I have to be open about it, it is who I am and no amount of wishing will make that go away, even though at times, I wish it did. I always question whether it is my fault that people don’t want know me, I shouldn’t really think about it, after all, those who stick around are the true friends, and that is the main part.

Anyway, onwards and upwards as they say. I wanted to briefly discuss my depression, and how it can affect me physically & emotionally.
I have had depression since the age of thirteen, it has been several years of loneliness, heartbreak and sickness. To be brief, it sent me downhill very fast. When I was thirteen I was subjected to bullying because I was overweight, seventeen stone to be exact. As you can guess, at that weight I was a chubby boy. I loved food, no matter what it was I ate it, and in all honesty I don’t know why I loved it so much.
When the bullying started, I just ignored it and let it continue, which was the worst thing I ever done. As this went on, it became harder to deal with, I was being called all sorts of names, and beaten up whenever they felt like getting a kick out of abusing someone.
They only picked on me because I was different and weighed a lot, they couldn’t care what their actions did to me, it was all fun and games to them. I was always called a fat bastard by those who bullied me, and because of this it hit my confidence like a sack of potatoes. I felt completely lost inside, I just wanted the bullying to stop.
So, to be brief. I started to starve myself, eating less and less as time went on, and in the end I lost ten stone in weight over two months. I was really messed up at the time, being extremely thin had no advantages to me, all it done was make me really sick, and on two occasions it nearly killed me.

As the eating disorder progressed it gradually attacked my muscles, which meant it caused many problems for me. Over the years I have developed arthritis in many of my bones, which is really painful. I also suffer from weak swallowing control, this means I have to be careful what I eat because it could get stuck in my throat.
These problems are hard to deal with, I am in constant pain no matter what I do, the tablets I take just make me high, it is a never ending battle to keep it under control, and to make matters worse the tablets only suppress the pain for a very short time, which means I am left for four hours in pain until I can take more.

Anyway, getting to my point. All these problems have caused a domino effect in my life, and in terms of confidence, I lost that years ago because I was constantly judged over aspects of my condition.
As I mentioned before, I have weak swallowing, and because of that it causes me to dribble a lot. I go through massive amounts of kitchen roll a week and I can’t go anywhere without any. I don’t do this by choice, it isn’t like I woke up one day and said hey, I am going to dribble every two minutes, it doesn’t work like that. The weakness in my neck muscles happened over time, it was mainly caused by muscle wasting and cerebral palsy.
So, with all these problems in mind. I need you to imagine how hard it is for me to meet new people who will accept everything about me. Some of you will be reading this thinking it is easy, but honestly I have tried over the years and it the same thing each time, all I want is for people to accept me, but at times I just think that I put people off. What makes it even more hard is the depression that comes along with it, after all it takes someone who is very understanding to accept this and everything else.

I will continue to live in hope that things will change, who knows what is around the corner? Anyway, after typing all this, I feel like a doughnut (idiot), maybe I am over thinking again and rushing everything, these things take time, but I guess I am scared that I will live and die alone, and to never feel love from a partner.

If you have just read through all eight hundred words of that then it means you deserve a medal. I have sat here for the last five hours writing it, and considering the day hasn’t even started yet I am doing really well.

After I finished writing, I tried going to sleep. I don’t why I even bothered, it was like my brain was refusing to switch off. I wish I knew what was causing these sleep problems, it can’t be pain because I have that all the time, I can only guess that I am getting worked up somehow, but with that in mind, I don’t feel like I am worked up about anything. Life has been great to me recently, I have published my new book two days ago and I have met K, what more could ask for? Oh well I won’t dwell on this lack of sleep because life is going great for me at the moment.

Today is going to be an easy day. The only thing I need to do is get some shopping from Tesco and publish today’s blog post. What an easy day, but also lucky because the lack of sleep will drag me down later, well I hope it doesn’t.

I started out my day with a big bowl of cornflakes and rice krispies mixed together, at this point I was in need of food because my blood sugars dropped and depression was starting to play havoc with my head. So, at 3am I was sitting at the table noshing on my breakfast, might I add it was covered in sugar.
After I had breakfast, I started to feel much better. The low feeling finally disappeared and I could finally think straight again. I had nothing to do at this late hour, well apart from watching television.

Skipping ahead a few hours. The morning was in full swing and it was time for me to venture out to get some shopping, just before I got ready my dad came in and said that they were doing the shopping, this was a strike of lucky because in all honesty I didn’t feel well enough to do anything, and it was also lucky that only needed yogurts.

So, all the plans I had were now out of sight and I can just relax all day. Anyway, with this said, I think it is time for me to end the blog here, but before I do that, I leave you with some words of wisdom.

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

Credit: Ralph Waldo Emerson – brainyquote.com

Until tomorrow,

Marc.

Town visit, and confessions

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My day starts out in town at Costa coffee, decided to have a day with my sister (Cassie,) her partner (Karl) and mother (Jan.) I had my usual; two cups of tea with loads of sugar. We went across to Primark which, is a clothes shop, mum brought Amber (niece) some new tops. Afterwards, everyone decided they wanted something to eat so, it was off to Taco Bell for their usual lunch, tacos and nachos. I didn’t have anything to eat as always, I will explain this later in the blog.

After, they all had lunch me and mum went across to ASDA (supermarket) while Cassie and Karl went to Ann Summers (naughty adult shop,) this is one shop I try to stay away from. I don’t know why I get embarrassed, but I am sure I am not the only man who hates going into that shop.
As we walked through the shop entrance mum noticed there was a sale on clothes, and from experience all this means is that mum wants something new. I don’t mind buying her new things, but I wish she would just ask me rather than being all quiet about it.
As mum was looking through the clothes she found a top that she liked, it was similar to one I brought her a few months before.

We got everything from the shop we needed, and for once we didn’t get any added extra’s, well I wasn’t planning on mum wanting a new top.
Cassie and Karl were still in the shop, we got around quicker because they were at Anne Summers before meeting us in Asda.

The last thing we had to do was to collect some insulation tape from the pound shop. Cassie and Karl went off to the other pound shop while myself and mum went to the less busy pound shop. In the end we found the tape, it is a good job we did because I need to use some on my iPhone charger, the wire casing has split and I don’t want to risk using it while the inner cables are visible.
While myself and mum were waiting for Cassie and Karl we sat on a bench, I said to mum that I would quickly pop across to WHSmith (bookshop) to see if they had a book I needed.
When I was in the shop I found the book I needed, but it was £18, it was a bit expensive for my liking. I thought the best way to save money was to download the book through an online store, and that’s what I did when I got home.

So, we all met back up and walked back to the car. I was starting to get really tired and I had pains through my body. When we arrived home I needed to have food; I hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast and it wasn’t much. I was debating what to have, but I ended up just eating yogurts because it was something quick.

Going back to something I mentioned earlier about me not eating out. I have a long history of panic attacks, this has been going on for 11 years. I have only just started drinking while I am out the house.

When I was younger I went through an eating disorder that nearly killed me several times. There was one situation that happened when I was 13, while eating my dinner I started choking on my food, and at the same time I suffered from a massive panic attack. I remember it so clearly, it plays on my mind each day and I can’t seem to forget about it, I was choking badly and my cheeks were turning red. The only thing that went through my mind was that I thought I was going to die and choke to death. So, from that point it scared me to death and I started to go downhill fast.

To be brief, I stopped eating a lot and I dropped down from seventeen stone to seven stone in the matter of months. I don’t recommend this to anyone because this drastic weight loss had caused much damage to my body. As years went by of ups and downs we found out that my muscles had become weak.
The problem with this was that I had to change my diet to soft foods; things like yogurts, custard and food replacement drinks. One other problem was that I was producing too much saliva causing me to dribble, and even today I have to carry kitchen roll around with me so I am able to use that to dribble into. I know it may seem disgusting to some people, but I am unable to swallow it because I will choke.
Many years ago I sought help and tried to get it under control, but after many medications and failed attempts it couldn’t be cured. The doctors put it down to my cerebral palsy and simply said that I had to live with it as there was nothing they could do.

This problem makes me very self-conscious, over the years people have bullied me for it and day-to-day I get snide looks from people because they are surprised that someone is dribbling into kitchen roll. I also get people making comments about it, saying things like “ewe, that is disgusting” or “look what he is doing.” I don’t know why people make a big deal over something I have no control over, it’s not like I asked to be like this. So, as you can tell it has wiped my confidence.

The fears of choking still haunt me each day and it will always be at the back of my mind.
It is amazing how one event can change your life in an instant, one minute your life is fine and then it gets turned on its head.

As you may have guessed, it is because of my choking fear and dribbling is the soul reasons why I don’t eat out. Maybe one day I will be able to put it all my fears behind me and be like other people, but until that day I will continue to try my hardest to ignore the fears and take each day as it comes.

Until tomorrow,

Marc.

Male Anorexia Suffer in Silence

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In a recent publication it has been highlighted that 1 in 5 people in the UK who suffer with eating disorders are male.

There are many causes of anorexia in both men and women the most highlighted cause is celebrity magazines. Often most people aspire to look like these glamorous models and because some of therm look really thin they try to change the way they look.

This isn’t the only cause of anorexia there are many highlighted cases of bullying and mental disorders that has triggered this nasty disorder.

I will discuss my story that has recently been published online by many major news outlets.

I am a 23 years of age and I suffer with a disability called cerebral palsy. For many years I suffered with bullying because I was big and that I was different due to my disability.

When I was 13 I got so depressed about the abuse I was getting and it sent me on a downward spiral that hit me with such stress I couldn’t handle it anymore and this abuse I got wasn’t just your normal bullying it was physical and mental abuse I got everyday.

Ten years on I still suffer with my disorder and I live off a diet of custard, mousses and complan replacement drinks because I fear choking on food.

Not only do I suffer with many health issues but I suffer with many phobias that can make me helpless at times and I hide away because I mentally can’t cope.

I won’t sit here and say it is easy on anyone with this disorder because there is such a level of stress it can cause and unlike other people say it’s not just a case of just eating because that isn’t how it works. This is a mental disorder and depending on the complexities it isn’t always easy to cure, everyone suffers with it in different ways and for different reasons.

If you are suffering with anorexia don’t suffer in silence try to seek the help you need to put you on the road to recovery. Some words of wisdom I always live by: You make your own destiny in life and you will find the right path to walk down to a better life.

I have attached the links below to my news story and I hope you enjoy reading them.

The Sun Manorexia Marc

The Daily Male Anorexia Marc